cthepayne said:

I'm going to try to keep this short however it's over a two year period with an intj...I am an intp he is intj, we got along well. We first met two years ago and at first I wasn't allowed at his house then he allowed me to come over for bonfires but I wasn't allowed inside then time passed and I was let in, about ever few weeks he allowed me more into his life. Our relationship looked like bf/gf but it wasn't. 2 yrs later. He meets me at the door, feeds me, gives advice, tells secrets. Advice?

This all strikes me as… really strange, to be honest.

I for one do not take much joy in entertaining guests. I don’t think anybody but me, the repair man, and my parents have set foot in my apartment since I moved in. My home is sacred.

But… To outright bar somebody you’re comfortable in having over at gatherings from going inside your house? It just seems strange to me, unless he was embarrassed about messiness or was hiding something.

It also sounds like he views you as a very intimate friend, and you view him as a weird boyfriend. Honestly, I would suggest you talk to him about it if it bothers you. The best way to figure this out is to go to the source, not listen to strangers speculate about people they don’t know.


Anonymous said:

Aren't INTJ slow to act? Or am I wrong? Cuz u said your best friend says you're quick to act, but I think we are slow, since we think a lot before we do things

The thing is, INTJs may think things over, but we do act. Somebody like my INTP friend also thinks things over… and thinks them over… and thinks them over…

The actual act of decision-making comes hard to her, because in her mind, all possible actions have some sort of nebulous “but imagine if” quality that renders all ideas equal, and since the world is constantly shifting, the what-ifs shift too. If any course of action ever seems best, another will take its place in their head before they can act.

Meanwhile, the INTJ will have already picked out the most prudent course of action (or not the most prudent, but they would have chosen something) and acted, all while the INTP is still mulling things over. And yet, they are much more spontaneous than INTJs, because they have such flexibility.

Like comparing the slow but inevitably unstoppable motion of a glacier down the most rational paths to a boulder that just sits in place until the environment forces it to move, in whatever direction the environment dictates.

The power of the INTJ lies in decision. The power of the INTP lies in consideration.


lifeofaninjaneer said:

Hello fellow INTJs. I come seeking your counsel (because duh). My question is specifically for INTJs in committed, long-term relationships. My boyfriend (an ENTJ) and I (an INTJ) have been dating for about a year and a half. While we make a great team, and are actually yet to argue over anything serious, I'm starting to consider the odds of something more legally binding. So my question for the INTJs that are married, what were your key factors (in asking or accepting?) for your decison/

As somebody with negligible relationship experience, I turn this one entirely over to the readership. What do you all think?


Anonymous said:

I'm an INTJ and I have noticed that sometimes I stumble my words a bit. Most commonly when I am on a topic which interests me. From what I've observed it comes from the fact that when something interesting excites me I think faster then I can speak, and in an effort to get my words out at the same pace the gumble up. Is this a common experience for INTJ's? Thanks.

It certainly happens to me. I’m told I write very well, but even I know I’m a terrible speaker when I’m actually trying to convey a point or idea beyond “I’m hungry” or “look, a dog!”

In my case, I’m sure it’s because my mind is moving too fast for my mouth to catch up. My brother has told me he has the same problem; when we’re trying to talk unrehearsed, we often stumble over our own words trying to find the right ones and put them in order fast enough to keep up with the pace of our thoughts.

What about you, readers? Minds too fast for your mouths?


Anonymous said:

As an INTJ do you ever have people say something along the lines of "I'm not going to fight with you about this" and your just like "I was not aware we were fighting???I thought we were having a discussion???Where did I/the situation go wrong???" I've had this happen to me many times, and because of it I am trying to become more aware of what I say and how it comes off to others. (This also goes in line with people insulting you or calling you names.)

This happens to me a lot, especially at work- I’m a Chicagoan in southern Illinois; I’m too liberal for anybody to be comfortable with so they skirt any issue we might disagree on and get antsy if things like politics even come up in passing. Just a few days ago I was (jokingly?) harassed for how I voted during the last election, and when I calmly explained why, they immediately shut me down like they were trying to break up a bar fight or something.

I think it’s because most people aren’t used to legitimate debate, where two parties with different views share with each other why they support them, without making it personal. You can make an argument without having one, and this is something INTJs (and, I posit, other xxTJs) excel at. We’re simply trying to exchange and share information for a more complete picture of the problem in order to reevaluate our stance (with the quiet hope that other people will do the same).

This isn’t the most common approach, but it’s often ours, and that’s why we’re flummoxed when other people think we’re trying to beat them into submission or start a fight when we’re really just trying to have a calm, civilized discussion.

Not to say that INTJs don’t also get into arguments or beat people over the head with their own beliefs. I know for a fact that can and does happen.


Anonymous said:

I am a college student who has always tested as INTJ, but I feel like I don't have the self-confidence to be one (although I do pretty well at acting like I do), and pretty much hate everything about myself. I also have never been close to a person before (like to the point where I felt like I could talk to them about anything emotional or personal), but I desperately crave a real friend, which doesn't seem to sound like what INTJs are like. Does this mean that I'm probably not really an INTJ?

We aren’t necessarily confident, and nobody is confident all the time. Also, though we certainly require much less social interaction than most people to be happy, we do feel the need for a close circle of confidantes, or even just one. Humans are social; it’s natural to want and need somebody.

Friends appear in the most unlikely places at the most unlikely times. All I can recommend is that you focus on tending a bloom of happiness within yourself, based on yourself. Love yourself, and don’t press others too hard to be your friend, but never give up!

The concepts I live by:

  • Be polite to others, so they will be polite.
  • Be kind to others, so they will be kind.
  • Be content with yourself, so they will be content with you.

The ones who comply are keepers. The ones who don’t… well, you’ve done nothing to offend them, and you can feel no guilt in barring them from your life. Be strong, be fierce, be persistent, be gentle, be thoughtful, be good.


Anonymous said:

I don't mind the informal typing. I think it's just another way of communicating, and one that has arisen from this group. Your post is totally correct. I honestly don't even notice the poor grammar etc I've grown so used to it

Anonymous said:

I've heard that INTJs excel at subjects such as math. Can someone be an INTJ and not be particularly good at math?

Absolutely. Your personality type is determined by how you think, not what your think, like, or excel at.


Anonymous said:

I'm an INTJ and I was wondering if others of the same personality type experience what I like to call "Our Extrovert Banks"? Where we can only be with another person/persons for a certain amount of time and be attentive/participate in our being with them before our "Extrovert Banks" run on empty and the desire to do so is loss. For myself it is not the loss of desire to be with the person/persons specifically, rather the loss of desire to be with anyone. After a while I just want to be alone.

It’s an introvert thing. Spending time with people wears us out, and we need to retreat and recover with alone time.

Extroverts have the opposite problem. When they’re alone, they become exhausted and stir crazy, the way introverts do when they’re trapped at a gathering or something. They need to escape and recharge in the company of others.


(This was too long to fit into the Ask Box - Apologies.)

 submitted to :

Is it common for an INTJ to thoroughly “obsess” over certain things? For example, I have noticed that other personality types “like” things but as an INTJ I don’t “like” things; I explore them thoroughly in what many have told me is obsessive.

For myself it is not obsessive so much as it the desire to gather all the information about this specific thing that I can before I am willing to move onto the next. (ex: listening to ever song on every album of a band/etc. before moving onto another band/musician.*) In summary, the desire of completion.

Do others INTJ’s experience this?

[*  - this is in the case that I don’t get bored of ___ specific thing before I can explore it completely]

Extremely normal for our type.